Apple Watch?

As mentioned elsewhere in your camp brochure, we have settled on the Apple Watch as our exclusive ID and Payments platform for Caravancicle 2.0 at Burning Man 2015.  We’ve received our shipment of five hundred watches, and our Mouse Army of coders is working day and night to make sure there are fewer bugs in our system than in the Watch itself.  (Sorry, Cookie Boy, but you know every first generation Apple product is a future paper weight.)


You must wear your camp issued Apple Watch at all times.  It serves as your hotline to the Camp Concierge, Art Car rides, payment for enhanced services, and even your ticket.  If you lose your Watch, and you are unable to pay the identity verification fee, you could become a pariah forced to seek shelter amongst the peasants.

Now, I can’t believe I’ve been getting this question…  No, the default camp issued watch will not be the Apple Watch Edition.  Get fucking real!    There were exactly twenty of those made, and they’ve all be given to celebrities who get at least two hundred hours of television time per year; during which they are contractually required to wear them.  Go into an Apple Store and ask to see one, and you’ll be shown a gold plated fake. If you try to buy it you’ll find that it is always out of stock.  Cleverest marketing ploy ever!  Get everyone lusting after something that doesn’t exist, and then sell the next best thing.  Pure genius.

Next answer:  Yes, if you are one of the twenty people contractually required to wear your Apple Watch Edition at all times, we can install our custom Portal App onto your phone.  Be advised that this is not an officially approved app, and may void your warranty.

2 thoughts on “Apple Watch?”

  1. You can’t believe that you’re getting that question when your marketing makes it sound like your audience is the most elite of the elite? Lol we all know half your audience is paying on credit so they can feel super elite.

    1. On this point you are quite mistaken. We don’t accept credit. We learned our lesson after Nicholas Cage tried to get his debt to us discharged in bankruptcy court. We shut that shit down when we showed him the contract where he leveraged his Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton as collateral.

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